by JJ Carson, LTD Contributor
Ironically, this post reminds me of one of my ex's 'mottos.'
"If you cheat in golf, you cheat in life."
My ex was always put off when he golfed with someone who cheated. He wouldn't want to be friends with that person socially. He wasn't bitter, he just didn't want to be friends with this type of person.
Hmmm... profound? Not sure. But, if those are the repercussions for cheating in golf, what about the people who actually cheat in life?
It used to be stoning, the Scarlet Letter and social outcast. Me, personally? I think we've given up on these ideas a little too soon! But, I digress.
This leads to my divorce and one of my favorite concepts... when will you just get over it? As in, 'If you would just get over it, we could be friends and it would be better for the kids.'
Then, what does 'over it' look like? For some it means the ex, me and the two kids sing kumbaya over dinner at a restaurant. That shows I'm a bigger person and have truly evolved and put the divorce behind me.
I disagree. For me, it's not an either/or proposition. I can 'get over it' and still talk about my divorce, my ex, the affair, even blog about it and poke fun of it. I can 'get over it' and still be completely annoyed by my ex at times because he's being a jerk today, not because he cheated yesterday. I can get over it and still decide not to be friends with my ex. Because he's not the type of person I would want for a friend.
It's a choice. MY choice because he doesn't add to my life right now and he's not good for me. Will that ever change? I don't know.
I have 'gotten over' a lot of my divorce. Not all, but a lot. And while my main focus is carving out the life I want for the kids and I, I am doing that with lessons learned from my past.
Can I co-parent with him and not like him? Yup, I can.
Can I co-parent with him and find some of his current choices selfish, foolish and downright unbelievable? Yup. I can.
'For better or worse'... (yes, irony) this divorce is a part of my history. That doesn't mean I think about it every day or mourn it every minute. But, I admit, I do have some scars. I'm not going to apologize for that and I'm not going to pretend the scars aren't there.
I don't believe pretending to be friends with my ex, pretending to like his mistress or pretending to be completely 'over it' makes me a profound, better person. I think that would only make me good at pretending.
Do I sometimes pretend for my kids? Yes, I do. And I'm OK with that.
So, as an F.Y.I.... if you happen to catch my ex on the golf course, you may want to believe he's a scratch golfer.
You probably shouldn't. Just saying.
See? I can talk about it, blog about it, sometimes even poke fun at it... AND still 'get over it.'