by Coach Judy, LTD Contributor
Coach Judy’s Practical Tips:
If you could turn back the clock just before the relationship deteriorated or during the legal process, what would you have done differently to save the pain and anger you or your children may be experiencing then or now?
Too often, relationship end because of the unexpected challenges that one could not handle. With arguing and abusive fights, pain can take control of ones rational thinking. If one or both parties are unable to step back and look at the issues appropriately, the children are at risk of being damaged, just like the, “aftermath of a Hurricane.”
As a person who trusted her parents, I found myself in a custody battle with them, 1990 -1992. I won, but today I see no one won, as the family was unwilling to “work in the best interest of the children.” I did face a rude of awaking in understanding, human behavior. Family actions were textbooks, and the professionals were the teachers. The abundant knowledge gained led to, helping parents reduce anger and become, “positive role models for their children.” Sharing knowledge and creating new programs even today, reflects a way to deal with what life’s throws you.
Destructive Parenting Behaviors
I hear the heartache of parents whose children are grown, who still behavior destructively. With anger being such a strong emotion, often people are unwilling to let go. The joy of being spiteful spells, “relief and satisfaction,” but in the end it’s self destruction.
A fear for parents is, ‘Parental Alienation Syndrome.” This syndrome reflects intentional, and or subliminal actions, known as “brainwashing.” Parents speak negatively or are critical of the other parent to the children. This includes: Blaming the other parent by stating, “If your mother/father would pay for the financial support, we would not be in this situation.” Just recently I heard of a case where the father for over 30 years, told his daughter that he was not her father.
In the extreme cases of anger, a parent will kill the child and them selves, commit parental abductions, or move to a foreign country where they have family.
The Impact on Children comes in many forms: Parents fail to realize their actions can make their children feel uncomfortable, nervous or scared. HOW: Asking the child to pass messages to the other parent, fear mentioning the other parent because of the voice tone, or denied putting up pictures up of the other parent. Children may transition from being outgoing to shyness or rebellious at home and in school, to not doing homework etc.
Anger can create resentment towards authority that lead to self destructive behaviors. Children are at risk of becoming addicts, criminals, mentally ill, abusive, to neglectful parents.
Grandparents of the children are key, if they work in the, “Best Interest of the Children.” But if they refuse to work in this manner, the parent child relationship can be damaged beyond belief. My suggestion, “if your family is toxic,” address these issues in the, beginning of when the relationship is ending.
How You Can Avoid the Hurricane?
If you know how to display positive ways to cope, your children will learn from you. Become active in activities that you enjoy to release pain and anger. This will build trust, confidence, and self-esteem that are critical to being a successful role model. Put the anger to the side as well as the fighting in front of the children, by understanding what it means to work in the “Best Interest of the Children.” Family’s who do, achieve personal and professional success!
Resources Available to Help You:
Voice for the Children: “Helps families of Parental Abducted Children. Founder, Marian Malky has the oldest Parental Kidnapping case in Florida. www.voiceforthechildren.com
National Single Parent Resource Center & PMA: A resource center that offers group and individual coaching via the phone, Skype, Internet Radio Show, Business Resource Directory, DVD training/tool kit. The mission: “Reduce the Risks of Abuse Children and Parents Can Face by offering unique programs that empower and support parents dealing with separation to family court & enjoying being a single parent, and be positive role models. ” www.nationalsingleparent.org